08 Nov 2020
Creation is a Chaotic Agony
I have been a prolific filmmaker for two decades seamlessly for three crucial reasons: a) to achieve a specific complex cinematic technical efficiency. b) to execute several critical ideas concerning the craft of filmmaking, which could only be possible within a high production rate. c) filmmaking as parallel to life and a parallel life.
I believe I have achieved what I set out to do. My life is changing drastically, and so as my films. The puzzle with making extremely personal or autobiographical films is the possibility of out-of-body experiences first and foremost for the author and later on for the audience.
This description perhaps provides a scientific means for the subject: out-of-body experiences are characterized by a location of the self (or one’s centre of awareness) outside one’s body, an impression of seeing the world from an elevated extracorporeal perspective, and a perception of seeing one’s own body from this perspective. They are striking phenomena because they challenge the experienced spatial unity of self and body—or the experience of a real me that lives in one’s body and is the subject of expertise and action.
Now in the realm of cinema, if I want to articulate the same phenomena, it is much more complex and yet a necessity for my survival. For example, very recently, I was deeply affected by an experience with another person, and I decided how I can poetically look at my life again as an out-of-body experience to create a film. After some time thinking about it, I realized that I couldn’t, and there is no option but to abandon and abort the project because there is not enough for me to create.
The older I get, the harsher I have become towards my art. It took me twenty years to hone my craft, and now I feel the need that I need another twenty years to perfect my ideologies about cinema. I am never complete but in the constant state of flux and mutation, and so as my films.
My films are products and the consequences of living the images. They are not information, signs, and symbols. I ‘make’ images instead to remove myself from this equation. It is time for me to make my films in peace and harmony. Is creation a chaotic agony, though? Yes.